Preview/Warning: The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

Written by AIBN Staff

Sunday, 19 July 2009 06:56

Hey there folks, Stuntcock Mike here. Continentalop has submitted the following preview of a film that promises to be, at the very least, total fucking insanity. Why bother fucking around with remaking Videodrome when you've got stuff like this?

Written By: Continentalop

The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

2009 (Release)

Directed by Tom Six

? fists out of 5 (see below)

Fuck.

Holy fuck.

I mean – really. Jesus Christ.

The Human Centipede is a horror movie (or comedy, I’m not sure which) from Dutch filmmaker Tom Six that just played at Frightfest ‘09. And I’ll be honest – I haven’t seen it.

Hey, I’m a busy man; I’ve got places to be and things to do, so I can’t just wait until I have time to see something to formulate an opinion. I jump to a conclusion right away – guy looks like an asshole, he’s an asshole; GI JOE: Rise of Cobra looks like a POS, it is a POS; Megan Fox looks like she is a dude, I’m saying she’s packing meat. So in that spirit I am going to give you my review of The Human Centipede based only what I have read and some photos I have seen.

And from what I have seen this movie is fucked up. I mean, REALLY fucked up. Just read what the damn thing is about:

Internationally respected Siamese twin surgeon Dr. Josef Heiter has a demented vision for mankind’s future existence. He wants to remove human beings’ kneecaps so they have to exist on all fours and then surgically graft them mouth-to-anus to form a centipede chain. When two stranded female Americans arrive at his luxury home-cum-hospital looking for help, his long-gestating plan swiftly moves into chilling action with a shocking force. Kidnapping a third Japanese male tourist he begins the tissue matches, teeth removal and buttock moulding to create his triplet creature.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I read, “surgically graft them mouth-to-anus” and “teeth removal and buttock molding”, I sit up and take notice. That isn’t something you read about in a movie plot everyday. Shit, it isn’t something you read about EVER. And when you look at the photos from the movie, then you really know you are no longer in Kansas.

You don’t even have to see this movie, only take a look at those photos and read the synopsis, before a bunch of questions will start popping up in your head: are they living on the feces of the person before them, or has the good doctor figured out a way to transmit food and nutrients down the line? What happens when one of them dies? What happens when one of the farts? Which is the worst, being the person at the very end or the one in the middle? And what the fuck did these actors’ agents tell them before they took these parts? All questions I am dying to know.

But the thing is I don’t know if I am going to see this movie. Do I really want to sit around and watch 90 minutes of surgically forced ATM action? Like I said earlier, I value my time and I can’t imagine sitting through this will be satisfying at all. I think it would be like watching “Two Girls, One Cup” if it was 90 minutes long. The novelty would have long worn off. Besides, the point of a horror movie is to give you images and ideas that haunt you and disturb you. Well, this movie has accomplished that goal already and there isn’t even a trailer for it yet.

Oh, and as for what I rate it, how the hell can I give it a number of fist? Not because I haven’t seen it (like I said earlier, I am an opinionated motherfucker so making a uninformed judgment doesn’t bother me at all) but because where the hell are you going to put the fist? Only one ass is available; the other two you can’t even get to because they are covered by someone’s mouth (see what I mean about this film raising questions?).

Human-fucking-centipede. I need a drink and a shower.

Last Updated on Sunday, 19 July 2009 16:23

53 Comments

Feed

Most anticipated movie
Koutchboom says:

Sun 19 Jul 2009 15:05:23 CDT

Of the year.
nope....thats G.I. Joe
DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD says:

Sun 19 Jul 2009 15:59:59 CDT

It will fucking destroy your ass.
Thanks Conti....BUTTOCK MOLDING...
DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD says:

Sun 19 Jul 2009 16:04:33 CDT

AWWWW fuck you!!
Conti...whats funny is every single question you asked....
DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD says:

Sun 19 Jul 2009 16:07:47 CDT

....I too asked when I first read this shit. Especially the "So do they just eat eachother's poop?" inquiry.
I think its time all of Europe is banned from every making films again....they are far too fucked up.
Hopefully G.I.Joe destroys my ass........
Stuntcock Mike says:

Sun 19 Jul 2009 16:19:27 CDT

before some unlucky co-ed gets her face grafted to it surgically.
Who's ass would I want to be surgically grafted too?
Continentalop says:

Sun 19 Jul 2009 16:28:11 CDT

Vida Guerra or Coco Austin? Hmmmm. Tough call.
The most insane thing is...
Continentalop says:

Sun 19 Jul 2009 16:32:05 CDT

...this is the FIRST sequence. That means there is 90 more minutes of people's mouths being stitched and attached to someone else's ass. I mean, how much more can be said about this subject? This is a subject matter that the director sure is passionate about.
I would like to become Coco's rectum.
Stuntcock Mike says:

Sun 19 Jul 2009 16:32:07 CDT

For a day.
Hhhhmmm....if my mouth had to be surgically grafted to an asshole...I'd go with Luscious Lopez....
DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD says:

Sun 19 Jul 2009 16:48:21 CDT

....AND I hear she's a great cook!
http://tinyurl.com/ksu2ds
That last pic looks like Megan Fox....
DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD says:

Sun 19 Jul 2009 16:51:06 CDT

....if she stopped having her eyebrows mowed for a week.
If this mad doctor got his hands on her, he would do all sorts of nasty shit. Like harvest a fetus, using her massive non-functioning dong as an umbilical cord.
Somewhere, right now, Cronenberg is pissed.
Stuntcock Mike says:

Sun 19 Jul 2009 18:48:34 CDT

"Why didn't I think of that?"""
I was thinking Jennifer Lynch is pissed...
DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD says:

Sun 19 Jul 2009 19:11:51 CDT

....that horrible horrible bitch.
Well......
Captain Rhodes says:

Sun 19 Jul 2009 21:37:34 CDT

that's not disturbing at all
Abominable Snowcone says:

Sun 19 Jul 2009 22:04:14 CDT

No one wants to be the caboose on this train.
With my luck
Continentalop says:

Sun 19 Jul 2009 22:10:07 CDT

I would be behind Brock Lesnar or Harry Knowles.
The concept made me a bit hard when I read it.
Max Rockatansky says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 08:04:29 CDT

Not full on turgid, but a decent semi.
G.I. Joe
Koutchboom says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 08:37:57 CDT

I was actually dreading seeing that. But after reading that early review and seeing the toys. I'm interested in seeing it now. Can't wait.
Luscious Lopez
Koutchboom says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 08:47:33 CDT

I would be upset though if she was being grafted onto my ass with a schnauze like that poking you all day.
RE: Luscious Schnoze
DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 09:31:25 CDT

Oh come on-- she's a beautiful Lebanese girl.
Jennifer Lynch -- FUCK YOU.
DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 09:32:36 CDT

..
Yeah she's fin
Koutchboom says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 11:07:33 CDT

But I'm just saying if I had her attached to my rear end, I would be upset. I have a huge nose I don't care.
You're such a pussy....
DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 11:19:26 CDT

....a real man would beg for that nose to be stuffed up their ass.
I gotta say. I really fucking appreciate the recent trend of large asses in porn. Fucking good for them.....errrr....good for me.
Good for the Planet Earth
Stuntcock Mike says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 11:26:52 CDT

The universe of Ass.
Yeah man
Koutchboom says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 11:31:02 CDT

When I first found out about Monster Curves, I was like where is this alternate reality?
Monster Curves?
DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 11:55:07 CDT

Is that a site or a series or what? I must fucking know.
Guys, serious question. I have to get Mrs. Dickblood an anniversary present....
DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 12:03:34 CDT

.....she likes jewelry, necklaces and crap. I admit my taste is shit in that area, so I'm having trouble picking something. Maybe some of you older cats that have done this shit longer can help me decide. I'm leaning toward something like this, what do you think?
http://tinyurl.com/lzxw3f
That's not bad but.......
Stuntcock Mike says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 12:18:14 CDT

a string of pearls always knocks 'em out.
Yeah, chicks dig the pearls that get bigger and bigger....
DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 12:35:47 CDT

.....as the necklace goes on. And its gotta be machine washable. A MUST!
Monster Curves
Koutchboom says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 13:19:59 CDT

Its a bang brothers site.
You should get her
Koutchboom says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 13:20:52 CDT

Something to do with Twilight. All chicks dig Twilight.
ya know....I think Bang Bros are overrated.....
DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 13:22:28 CDT

.....their scenes are long as fuck and 80% is them rambling and trying to be funny.
I prefer Brazzers for big ass material.
I never see the whole scene
Koutchboom says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 13:50:35 CDT

I am too cheap I just watch the free preview. Just like an actual movie the trailer is better then the actual thing.
The Dutch are the Point of the Spear
Conspiracy says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 16:08:31 CDT

when it comes to porn; if you know your Porn...These fuckers have always pushed the envelope. This thing will do mad business in Japan as well...a Mutilation,scat,ass to mouth movie...the salarymen will be lined up around the block. And people thought Max Hardcore was fucked up...HA!
Maybe AIBN needs a Porn website reviewer?
Continentalop says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 16:09:41 CDT

Koutchboom is available and willing.
Says the man
Koutchboom says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 16:28:10 CDT

That used to work in soft core. My computer sucks so hard right now there is no way I could take over that duty.
Thats right, but only softcore
Continentalop says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 16:45:58 CDT

I didn't have the talent to get called up to the majors and do hardcore. And if your computer sucks so hard it is even more fitting for you to do that duty (thank you, I'll be here all week).
I would suggest Stuntcock Mike but he already has hooker and blow movies. It would seem he was getting preferential treatment if he also had porno movies.
Also
Koutchboom says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 16:47:08 CDT

If you started a colum like that, I wouldn't be able to get to this site at work. And that would be a shame.
Wait! I see that Conspiracy is here
Continentalop says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 16:48:16 CDT

AIBN recruit Conspiracy to be your porn reviewer. No one can describe the joy and euphoria of ejaculating over a woman's face as good as Conspiracy can.
Nah, I'm not the porn guy.
Stuntcock Mike says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 16:57:07 CDT

My attention span is waaayyyy too short for that shit. If I make it to a minute and a half before dispensing load that's pretty good.
I agree. I don't last long with these asses......
DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 17:02:08 CDT

.......and the idea of sitting there watching porn and NOT jerking off, has always really disturbed me. I've always said those that watch porn and don't jerk, have serious fucking issues.
Porn Reviewer
Continentalop says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 17:05:40 CDT

Maybe he only gives you the first minute-and-a-half of a website scene, or maybe he has to do movies by increments of five minutes ("part nine of my 12 part review of I Was a Fugitive From a Gang Bang")
it would be funny to give it weird code words....
DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 17:11:09 CDT

Like "The Baker glazes the donut for 9 seconds...yes 9 seconds!! I couldn't look away."
When I worked in softcore
Continentalop says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 17:14:43 CDT

When we went out to lunch we used to use code so we wouldn't disturb the other customers. We wouldn't say "how many sex scenes do you have in your movie?" we would say "How many gun fights do you have?" People would always overhear us and come up to us and ask what movie we were working on because it sounded so awesome. Nothing but gunfights, fist fights, car chases and explosions.
I think my favorite code was "car chase" for a lesbian scene.
FUCK YES
I Fluffed Hilary Duff says:

Mon 20 Jul 2009 23:51:58 CDT

90 minutes of ATM. This is why I fucking love the Dutch.
Me and my buddy
Koutchboom says:

Tue 21 Jul 2009 01:56:54 CDT

Made the term, playing video games to mean smoking weed. Because someone else had gotten fired because some bitch in the office over heard her mention weed, so she told the bosses and they made her take a poo test. Well she failed.
Funny thing though, was that our supervisor (he was a bit of a pot head though) was in the cube right next to my buddies and one day he was like, "Man all you guys talk about is playing videos games all day!"
WFOKvvQrGkIU
pododon says:

Thu 17 Jun 2010 00:28:06 CDT

gpRftH ppwtouwfqqic, [url=http://rdxhxytkxhqx.com/]rdxhxytkxhqx[/url], [link=http://gkvfkpmvsahj.com/]gkvfkpmvsahj[/link], http://nzfeccfkuzhp.com/
sdzPXdPOPKQKhQS
pododon says:

Thu 17 Jun 2010 02:50:45 CDT

nAyeIE gxolovotafgf, [url=http://xsczujrqtmfd.com/]xsczujrqtmfd[/url], [link=http://wkirwgprfswf.com/]wkirwgprfswf[/link], http://lyixkpjrcgme.com/
ckTKIGuaznoa
kinquo says:

Wed 30 Jun 2010 22:46:02 CDT

car insurance qoutes ejkzbt life insurance quotes boh homeowners insurance 568207 life insurance quotes =-DD phentermine no prescription 8[
XHLqFDCWrACE
autodia says:

Fri 09 Jul 2010 10:57:31 CDT

levitra tzx viagra 8-DDD xanax :(( buy pfizer viagra 51309 cialis 322096
ppZxaNyfEPCoPd
autodia says:

Sun 11 Jul 2010 04:01:24 CDT

auto insurance quotes =-))) cheap health insurance 491907 auto insurance 0581 online car insurance %-D
uiDmxVXrjPIuijjA
kuleshs says:

Tue 13 Jul 2010 21:58:13 CDT

tramadol 333 phentermine hoodia =-))) ambien online >:)) accutane spy xanax prescriptions 8[[[
bbFNgkqJwhvoIIBHhX
kuleshs says:

Tue 13 Jul 2010 22:02:00 CDT

accutane 121175 xanax %-OOO accutane 142 xanax dshjwm cialis 972
UJUoIsgKazn
folcklord says:

Wed 21 Jul 2010 04:00:56 CDT

order doxycycline 271 buy domain tramadol 293 accutane 3317 acomplia weight loss drug vaafqv

Today's Top Stories

All Time Top Stories

53 Comments